This could use a plan

I have started this in order to create a retreat for myself from the rest of the Internet and particularly my social network. Truth is, i feel lonely, and simply writing down my thoughts into a diary feels restrictive, i can't post pictures nor can I hope to connect with people who feel the same

So Where Have I Been?

Well there are very few followers nowadays, because my life is well, on track. I used to vent about my loneliness on tumblr, and now I’ve learnt to deal with it.

I’m not, and will never be that super social clubbing dude that parties everyday.

I work hard. That’s what I LOVE doing. I love to lift weights, and I love to see my body change as a result of the hard work I put into it. I also love to study. I love to read maths and have my head blown to pieces by a theorem that forces me to change how I feel about things like our reality and the universe.

I hope to find someone who feels the same way about things as I do. I won’t find her in a club, she will be in the library, or the gym. 

I hope to be the best at something one day for something. I am a lone wolf, and the best thing I can possibly do for myself is arguably the most selfish. That is to continue working on improving myself everyday.

“The view was beautiful but she was all I wanted to look at”

Okay, the essence of what I bring to you people. I have been on very long thought trip. My senses are all tingling from this little glint of knowledge that I can provide to you. Nobody knows what theyre doing. Everyone is winging it. There isn’t really much sense is going “I dont know what the fuck I am doing” because to be honest. Neither does anybody.

I went looking for God today. Buzzing out of my skull. I set the two buddhas down. I took out a pen and paper, set the tone right. Incense and the works. And medidated with buddha. Or at least searched for him. I realised my journey would lead me back here eventually, to document the vast wonders of the world that are present to us right now and at any moment in time. Just look outside your window. You’re on a ball of rock, roughly spherical, and orbitting a fusion reactor. That is orbitting a deadly black hole.

You emerge from the stars, whence the stars die, scattering their ashes across the galaxies and superclusters of millions upon millions of stars. You, my bellow human friends are the product of millions of years of the finest distillations of the guts of supernova. You are quite literally stardust. And my gosh are you beautiful. Billions of years have passed. Your ancestrial heritage began as the fine works of small amino acids, blocking together to form and group up in order to spread. We work by spreading. Genetics, everything is about spreading our genetics across. How you ask? Well one doesn’t fairly get the jist of it by a quick skim through of The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins. Its a dense book, and a difficult book to stay with. But the developments on Darwin’s original theories are marvellous.Anyway, genetics are fantastic at spreading. Eventually we take over. Our brains, the logical elements of our brains anyway.

All I’m really doing I feel at this moment, is give away my entire head to the internet. I submit. I cannot feel any closer to the internet as I without mentally uploading myself to it. I feel as my mental connection, and the thoughts that I display unto the internet will be the finest ramblings I have produced from my personal wonderings that I encounter on with in life. I suppose one could think of this is as a spill.I don’t really know where I am going with this.

Tripping

This could be one of the big fucking posts you could all be waiting for. I’m going to document my adventure on the day I decided to trip LSD. Its been a good four hours. Actually, fuck it, I’m going on an adventure. See you guys later :D Sweet dreams motherfuckers

Fantastic stuff. Love the song as always

“I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.”

—   John Green- Looking for Alaska

“I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on Earth. Then I ask myself the same question.”

—   Harun Yahya

I am a somewhat angry man as of late. I’ve “switched” several times, and I’m starting to feel the enlightening rush of post exam freedom become a little too rich for my satisfaction. 

I’ve got faction wars to deal with. Indians from across the board are honing in and posing a threat to my safety and perhaps others. Confrontations at clubs and people wanting to knock the fuck out of others. Muscle isn’t an issue. I want to see blood and I want to be responsible for being the one who drew it. I’m angry, as if a sort of Mr Hyde of myself is waiting to emerge, or unlock from behind my eyes and ears.

I’m somewhat frustrated. Friends who turn me away at the door so solemnly  because we were “cockblocking” are friends who I need to reconsider as being so. I could have strapped another jay, but their desire to “wake and bake” the next morning left a group of three of us with nothing to do, Suffice to say, karma’s a bitch sometimes, and I love sweet instant karma.

I’m lonely. I’ve started to feel the heartache associated with falling in love, yet again. Girls who live far away, upon the nigh of summer break makes for rough trips and visits over summer. Where will I even be able to stay? She does after all, live in the middle of nowhere, amongst what I imagine are fairly conservative parents who would frown at the idea of me staying at their place over summer. 

I am 19 now, and I’m still just as confused as a small child playing with their spaceship wondering what they want to do as they’re older. I feel weak, I have lost my routine, and smoking marijuana numbs my senses from feeling, and engaging with the world the way I usually do.

I refuse to become a recluse again. The weather is far too beautiful to let that happen.

My Grandfather.

Today, I had the misfortune of attending the funeral of my late Great Uncle. 

I don’t want to talk about that. In fact I’m not really sure what I want to talk about, aside from maybe my pondering of life and death. 

It was my Grandfather that evoked the greatest emotional response. In my experience, he was a tough man- as nails as they would say, but today he cracked as the realisation that his time was nigh was starting to dawn on him. Life is finite, and I can only imagine the pain of seeing loved ones, brothers and sisters that you have spent your life with; passing away. He already lost my Grandmother, whom I never had the fortune of seeing. According to my Mum and Dad, he has mellowed out over the years, but his tough attitude resonates in his silence during family festivities. He is what we call an observer, someone who takes solace in sitting and watching his offspring, the next generation grow and develop into strong men and women. 

The sad reality that I had to face, and I’m sure has finally caught up to him, is that he is soon to pass as well, joining his Brothers and Sisters. I imagine he spends his days sitting in front of the television, short of energy to do as much as he used to, pondering life’s philosophies. I’m sure with all the thinking time he has had, coupled with his immobility, he has found peace in himself. 

This is also my first funeral, is which I took active participation. A lifeless body in the room, upon which I garnished with rose petals and flowers still fresh- as if my Auntie had taken the time to cut them this morning herself. The smell of rose engulfs the sombre mood, but not much else. People don’t say much, besides the words of the priest, chanting away, helping my cousins through the ordeal with his gentle words. My Grandfather raises his hand, saying his final Goodbyes to the man. 

The coffin is closed, and placed on this conveyor belt. My curiosity to see the remains of the ordeal just gets the better of me. I watch as the jet engine like sound fires up, the doors close, and a bright light emanates from the small window. He finally passed into the light.

The Selfish Gene

Lately, using my e-reader, I embarked upon a little adventure with Mr Dawkins. His 1980’s novel (I imagine), brilliantly brings to light the evidence that supports Darwin’s theory of Evolution. As my physics teacher once put it: The theory of Evolution is one of the most profound, yet beautiful theories to ever come about, that does not use any mathematics….naturally I had to take an interest.

Dawkins succinctly outlines numerous strategies that would influence our natural order. Things like the “he-man” strategy effectively explains why college boys get laid so often, and why the value of the “faithful” increases as they grow older. Things like the rise of feminism and their influence over sexual dynamics in society are however not addressed- since neo feminism wasn’t around then.

There is a sort of “no bullshit” approach to the subject, it explains my situation in life rather well, it explains why I love my parents and my sister so much. It explains why dating in a civilised society is tricky for me. 

This in conjunction with David Attenborough documentaries really spell it out for us.Unusually, there are races of birds, that pick mates based on how well they’ve built love nests and the sort. Collections of pretty flowers laid out are to entice the females- analogous to how some women in our society value material wealth. Furthermore, peacocks dancing- and well, we dance and get pissed at clubs.

Ironically, I have yet to find a group of animals who take recreational drugs and use it as a sort of “social lubricant” to make interactions easier.